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8 entries this month
Exploration of Skin :)22:55 Mar 30 2006
Times Read: 798
*!*This one may contain explicit sexual references, or it may not.*!*
Through the power of popular demand, tonight's special is about something that we all have in common...SEX! Before we get into this, a word of caution. I will be using groups of words throughout this letter that may cause discomfort to some, and even to myself! I will be exploring some of my past sexual history in this so it should be entertaining. I am very big on discretion, hence, I will omit select details to preserve the privacy of the parties involved. I will attempt to be as uninhibited in the work as possible, but since I am rather reserved, forgive me if something is just too raw for me to touch. Yes, I understand some of you have fantastic sex lives, but since none of you can resist the subtle allure of erotic literature, please have a seat, un-zip, and understand! I guess we'll start with saying that when I was about five or six years younger, I had the type of sex that a great deal of other men never get in a lifetime, and I had it all the time! In those times of my life, it was not uncommon for me to keep multiple partners at once. The highest I've ever gone is 3 at one time(women drain you). Besides, I preach quality over quantity! I should explain that when I say 'three at one' time, I don't mean we all had sex together. In fact, the concept of being cornered by two women in a hotel room, while an awesome proposition...scares the Hell out of me! It wasn't like I was dating most of them, and the majority were blissfully unaware of the others, which enabled me to replace the 'day letters' at the top of my calendar with: F-U-C-K-I-N-G. My hormone level obviously wasn't uncommon of a 15 year old's, but I can bet the level of deviancy sure was. I once fucked a girl raw and bleeding with a broken candle stick...and she liked it! I just had a lot of access to excess, and when that happens, what excites most will bore the shit out of you! It's about a need for speed, and the deadening effect of a hardcore experience; each time you always want a little more. This concept extends outside of sex too, which is perhaps a good point to mention that displacement is a huge factor here. For me at least, sex was just the best way, if not the only way I knew to show them I cared at the time. I wasn't what you would call a 'social-butterfly', so my people skills were a lot worse than they are now! I was a serial-'lover' in the strictest sense, in that I suffered severe infatuations with nearly all of these partners. These infatuations, these momentary but acute connections of consciousness were what I lived for. Not surprisingly, I also hurt a good number of people this way. Monogamy is a strange concept. While supported by beautiful, and lofty ideals, it is not meant for some. Who says real love has to be something only felt with one person? Why not in bits and pieces that form a collective memory of love; each great union a new stroke of paint to create the masterpiece? The words 'promiscuous' and 'cheater' are not locked at the arms, but rather gain their association through moral profiling, and the common effect of oppressed sexual desire under the thumb of social taboo. I am not saying that monogamy is not a good idea, but not every cog was made for the same machine people! Women are affected by this type of brow-beating in a much different way than men though. If a women chooses to be promiscuous...she's a garden variety whore! If a man does it, it's just the daily routine! I wonder when women will grasp the power they hold at they're fingertips. There is a reason Oprah has the potential to be one of the most powerful women on Earth, right alongside Hillary Clinton. And it's because women love both of them! Both are symbols of feminine perseverance, in theory at least, and because of this have more visibility in the league of women's issues. Being that women outnumber men, both Oprah and Hillary could harness this vortex of power easily at the ballot-box. You ever heard the phrase that, "Behind every great man is a great woman?" Well that's because women actually rule the world from the sidelines, but allow men the benefit of thinking they are in charge! Half do it with their brains, and the other with the gift between their legs. Both are just as potent, as few can rival a dedicated, intelligent women with an equally menacing sex drive. Another benefit is that women are much more willing to organize into groups for causes than are men(unless you count 'war'!), thusly more likely to succeed. And now that I've effectively avoided the subject at hand, let's return. So, yeah...sex! One of the big troubles with monogamy, I should mention(and perhaps the biggest reason for cheating), is the natural limit. If you're unlucky, like most people in monogamous relationships, you'll find that you still carry sexual fantasies around with you that your 'lover' probably could not fulfill. And even if they could, you wouldn't ask. It's this build-up that crushes joy on so many levels, like being permanently stuck at the point just before an orgasm...never able to release. So what are my fantasies? *I can feel the lava well-up under my collar* Well, I must say that my choice in women tends to reflect my delights. The girls I tend to date are the type that many would tag as a "goth". What's the reason behind that? Come on, now! I'm a fucking Devil-worshipper, remember?! If you have to ask, you wouldn't understand. The peanut gallery is asking right about now, "So, what are you? Some kind of necrophile..huh... you like dead girls, huh?" The answer is no you fucking twits! I like girls with an 'undead' or appropriately demonic look! Rob Zombie knows what I'm talking about...so go ask him you perverts! That's not to say that I haven't dated other types, from gutter-glitter to rich and Christian...I've had a look around. Basically, I tend to choose the type of mates I would want to hang out with. It's the type of person that you can have a conversation with, because they live life so fully, they can actually bring something to the table. I love mates with guts, and nerves of fucking steel! I enjoy artists because they are creative, and hate them because they are fickle. Though unpredictability is something I've learned to deal with rather well. I've always wanted to have sex in a heavy mist of rain during a storm. I love storms...the thought of mixing the two makes me real smiley! What haven't I done? Well, lots of things. Anal sex is one that comes to mind! I only bring it up because it's the only sodomy I haven't messed with. I've been given oral sex more times than I can remember, but have never once fucked anyone in the ass. Originally, I found the concept unappealing...but we talked about what happens to kids with too many toys didn't we? It's not a huge deal, but it's on this list of upcoming blasphemies hopefully. I was gonna write a lot more...but I think I'm about ready to collapse over here. I have no idea if anything I've said is coherent, but I hope it helped you waste some time. I left a whole lot of stuff out but that's okay...you'll probably never need to know anything beyond it anyway! - D
Ooooh..More Garble
22:29 Mar 30 2006
Times Read: 799
I want to live in a world where it always rains. To experience a life without the sun, in my "hollow cave of bone". I want to exist to the highest degree, and feel my skin tingle with a flood of euphoria for every second that I die. This place only exists past the psychic curtain...it is a place in the sunless desert! A place where the Mountain stands high, and every grain of sand is a new truth! The sky is always black here, with varying hues of blue. Sometimes I can see this place, if just for a moment. But the divine does tease, for it slips away just as you speak to capture it! Sometimes in my dreams, there is a man in a cave. I can never see his face, but he is clothed in dirty sackcloth, his hands livid, and his voice like warping metal. He tells me things as he sits in front of the fire, leaning back into the shadows as not to reveal his face. He speaks of the past, present, and future...and warns me of adversaries; he is always right. I have not met with him in quite some time, but I always wonder when I will be drawn back into that world. That world of Shells and of Nightmares...it is my home. I do not belong here, for I was not born under the sign. Pluto tugs from a distance, even as the Bull tries to loosen itself. For when Ursa Major is above, the time to act is then! Under this flag we gather, groups of islands no longer of whole of themselves. My friends, we are condemned. I believe this; we won't make it to the end.
- D
The Kill
22:20 Mar 30 2006
Times Read: 800
I want to be the urban predator. The 'slink' that moves behind the curtain of night, and bears it's claws for your tender hearts. Shifting through the dark, clasping my device in livid hands..does it any of it sound painful yet?
How many of us seek to kill? Is it so inhuman to want what is inborn in all? These are questions for not one! All answers return onto themselves..all excuses are 'moral' in nature. I'll tell you now that they fear not for others but only themselves. All pretenses fall back on the self serving premise of saving your own ass in the end, and it does no good to lie about it. Honestly, most of us think about killing sometimes. And not always for protection, or even anger...more often sport and fancy. So why don't you? It's because you're afraid of one of two things, and these things alone: God or men. For most of you it's the latter. No one wants to labeled by all his fellow man as horrible, much less land in prison! And for those of you who are worried about God..let me assure you that there is nothing to fear. How do I know? Because God does not punish the wicked...sinners thrive...do you know why? Because other than the aspect of subservience, the sinner and saint have no parting line. God does not care about you...he's left you to rot. There is no Hell in which to burn, any amount of decent research on the web can disprove Hell and it's origins in minutes of reading(or at least prove that's it's an invention). The afterlife is nothing to fear, and it is real. Just as real as this world, so fear not when slipping off the cliffs of mortality, Satan welcomes you and smiles...no matter what.
"One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist." - Jane Wagner
- D
The Stutter22:17 Mar 30 2006
Times Read: 805
If we can never ask for the things we want, we're not likely to receive them. It is when we give into our fears of rejection and self doubt, that we are most certainly at our weakest, and absolutely our most worthless. If we choose never to lift the brush and help those around us paint the future..there will be no color in the world of tomorrow.
Most of us can only dive into broken glass so many times before the expectation repels us; it shouldn't surprise you that I am no exception. I've tried to learn from my mistakes, but the fact is that I'm just not doing a very good job. I do the same things and expect different results sometimes, but I do learn, eventually. Is it then my lack of will to action that makes me frailest? My absence of control is rather apparent to me, but I've no one else, and no way else to help make things go right. I thought I did, but alas, I made a few more mistakes. I assumed that I could fit in anywhere I wanted. I walked into the Door of Acceptance, and caught a steel-toe boot to the jaw! Yes folks, the light bulb above my skull is sparking this night...but old habits will always die hard.
Did we ever talk about the good days? Or were there only bad visions to keep us cozy in the dark? How was the fire was so warm that I didn't care to know(?)...I wonder where that deception came from; in my head. I know where my troubles are, and I can deal with them on my own. I don't need help, so don't offer it anymore. All I wanted was to have them speak up, to have them admit to it. No one will claim me I guess, just your dirty little secret. Two can play at that game. And when I cash in my chips at the end of the night, I'll know you tried...but the fear..yours and mine, just wouldn't let us by.
- D
My Wish, My Memory
22:13 Mar 30 2006
Times Read: 807
I used to lay awake at night, listening to the storms. The farmlands can be a lonely place for a 10 year old at night. I can still remember the way the rain beat against the window, half plastic and half whatever else. The trees bending, and the leaves speaking through echoes of respiration. I was safe inside I think, but I didn't want to be. I always yearned to be in the woods, with the animals, in the dark. I wanted to walk in the footsteps of those who I could never be; they couldn't talk to me..so what could I do? I wanted more though. I wanted to be up inside the sky and the storm..I wanted to be free. And that's why it hurts. My urge to scrap against the tide is dulled, and I fold like paper in the winds. I wish I could just float in the waters, surrounded by the stars...
- D
Uh-Huh
22:07 Mar 30 2006
Times Read: 807
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous" ~ Ingrid Bergman
I've made some decisions that I'm not so proud of. I am not ashamed of these because of their content, but rather for my presumptious attitude. It's like this you see. I had a few options that I was looking at, and I was sure I had landed on the right one. Turns out that option didn't quite feel the same way I did. It said it did, but it's "funny how secrets travel on". One moment you believe in the magic of something new..it's perfection, it's utter lure. But just twist around the corner, and you'll be scooping your childish assumption up like a smashed heart from the floors.
Is it I alone who will be the one to stomach the blame though? Likely so, as the other has no idea, is oblivious even to these proceedings. It's time to make a different choice; as the sea is polluted, and the fields are bare. It's time for the auction, but I'm not in the mood to play the game anymore. My fishing pole is broken, let's just hope I don't starve. I've said it before, if we don't ask for the things we want, we're not likely to get them. The problem is, once it's gone...it's really gone. Opprotunities tend to knock at inconvieniant moments; were you ready to recieve it?
- D
Enough Said...
22:02 Mar 30 2006
Times Read: 809
You are all animals. None of you give a shit about anything; and not one has the slightest idea of what 'conviction' or 'honor' means. You walk past, and think nothing. Your lives mean nothing, and in a year you'll still be wondering if it gets any better than this. You feel the need to attach yourself, pleasantly distract yourselves..but don't give a shit about anyone but yourselves. You are animals. Dogs have more loyalty on all given levels...so why don't we euthanize you? You obsess over the questions, 'why me?'. What have you done that you are so special...you didn't even fight your way out of your mothers crotch, she did that! So I ask you...what is so goddamn special about you, your life, friends, job, or school? Nothing, not a single goddamn thing. Your not the only one who can play a violin, and certainly not the only person with bills to pay..but pity you!
Fuck you and fuck your self righteous lifestyles! You don't want freedom, you just want pleasure; and you'll trade anything to get it. Every breath you take is just another fix, yet you always find the nerve to complain when oxygen doesn't taste like sugar! I want you all to kill yourselves now, because your life hasn't made one bit of difference. You wanna change the world...stand up today and kill a man, kill a thousand! Maybe one day you'll be worth something...when no one is around to appreciate it but you. In the end, you're all alone, all of you.
- D
The Illusion of Forever
21:57 Mar 30 2006
Times Read: 810
It's a sad fact, today, that a number of those who say they will be around for you..will not be. Those long talks about 'friends forever' are always bullshit. Most times it's only said as an easy IN, but you are smart enough to know the difference, right? So thought I, but it turns out I was quite wrong. I think what they are really saying when they talk of forever, is that they themselves remain unchanged. They believe that since they are themselves, and always have been(this is a delusion)..that your union is inherently sacred because of some verbal agreement. These folks do not take into account that most of the 'best friends' they had back in the day, and nothing but memories now. You are novel, and that is what they love about you. I'm sure you women know all about this. First off, he tells you that you are the most fascinating girl he has ever met. Maybe you even start dating after that, and then...where did he go? He's gone now because you are not the newest toy and the block anymore, and certainly not the best..because you've already been used up! On a lesser scale, and more relevant, your so-called friends will always be there for you..until the pleasure of your allure wears away. The, my readers, the calls will stop. And then you know it, they lied to you. You can either move on with your life at that point, or try to do something about it..whether it be positive or negative. But whatever the situation, you know what I mean.
- D
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